[A BANK OFFICE. TWO PEOPLE IN LINE. A WOMAN APPROACHES THE INFORMATION DESK, BEHIND WHICH A FEMALE TELLER IS STANDING]

Woman: I'd like to open a bank account, please.
Teller: I need to see some ID.
Woman: (HANDS TELLER A PASSPORT AND A COUNCIL TAX BILL) Here.
Teller: This passport is...Norwegian, yes?
Woman: Yes.
Teller: Is that in the EU?
Woman: It's part of the EEA.
(THERE IS A PAUSE WHILE THE TELLER ANNOYINGLY SLOWLY SEARCHES FOR SOMETHING ON THE WEB.)
Teller: No, we don't take that.
Woman: Yes, you do. It's on your website. You take on EEA nationals as well as EU ones.
Teller: No. It's not on my list.
Woman: Let me have a look at your list.
Teller: (RELUCTANTLY TURNS THE MONITOR) See? It says EU, and Norway isn't on that list.
Woman: No, it wouldn't be, because it's not in the EU. Scroll further down, please. A bit further. There, it says "EEA". Click on that link.
Teller: Oh, OK. Well, your passport is in order. Now I just need a utility bill as proof of address.
Woman: Ehh...yes, I gave you that.
Teller: OK. (INCREASINGLY SNOTTY) You need to have lived there for three months.
Woman: And I have. Since June.
Teller: No, you need three months.
Woman: (COUNTS ON HER FINGERS) June, July, August. It's the end of September now.
Teller: No, the system won't take it. It must be three months.
Woman: (PAUSES TO COMPOSE HERSELF) June. July. August. That's three whole months that I've been living there, nearly four.
Teller: It doesn't count June.
Woman: Why not?
Teller: I don't know. You'll have to come back in a few days.
Woman: Look, it's very easy. June, July, August, that's three months that I've been living here. Have a look at my council tax bill.
Teller: It won't work. It doesn't count June.
Woman: What kind of a system do you have?
Teller: I don't know. But I can show you.

(THE TWO OF THEM ENTER ANOTHER OFFICE AND SIT DOWN. THE TELLER, STILL VERY SLOWLY, ENTERS SOMETHING INTO THE COMPUTER SYSTEM. AFTER WHAT SEEMS LIKE AN ETERNITY AND A HALF, THE TELLER ASKS FOR THE WOMAN'S ADDRESS, EVEN THOUGH IT IS PRINTED ON TWO SHEETS OF PAPER IN FRONT OF HER. THE WOMAN POINTS AT THE COUNCIL TAX BILL.)

Teller: It's not in the system.
Woman: Right. There is a problem with the postcode. The last letter is wrong. I live in a tall building where the first 75 flats belong to one postcode and the rest belong to another. This is the postal system's fault, and the council apparently doesn't know this.
Teller: I can't use that address. We won't know if your card will reach you.
Woman: It will. It's still the same building. The postman knows this.
Teller: (SIGHS) Well...I suppose I'll have to enter your address manually.
Woman: (MUMBLES) Oh, dear, what rotten luck.

(AFTER A FEW MORE MINUTES THE TELLER TRIUMPHANTLY TURNS THE MONITOR AND POINTS AT THE SREEN)

Teller: See? It won't take June.
Woman: I never doubted you. I'd just like to know what kind of a system you're using.
Teller: Well, I don't know. You'll have to come back later. We'll have to make a new profile of you, though.
Woman: Why can't you just amend the details in the one you just made?
Teller: I don't know, that's just the way it is. It will ask you for proof of previous address the next time.
Woman: (GETS UP FROM HER SEAT AND STARTS PACKING HER BAG) This is ridiculous. I just can't win in this country, can I?
Teller: (GRINS IN AN IDIOT SORT OF WAY)
Woman: I've been a loyal customer in my old bank for 25 years, but over here I can't even open an account. Well... (STRETCHES OUT HER HAND FOR THE TELLER TO SHAKE) ...it's not your fault, it's just the system.
Teller: (SURPRISED. PLACES HER HAND IN THE WOMAN'S LIKE A DAMP CLOTH AND PRETENDS TO SHAKE IT ABOUT A BIT)
Woman: I'll be back on Monday. Thanks for all your help. (EXITS RIGHT)

Current track: Kool & The Gang - Get Down on it

Labels: humour, personal