Finally got around to watching the "last" episode of Riget (The Kingdom) last night and I stand by my previous remark that Udo Kier's Little Brother must be one of the creepiest characters ever. Trying to look for clues as to whether he was dubbed all the way through the series (he was putting on a very good miming act, though), I happened upon his German fansite and in one of the interviews posted there, he said something very true indeed: "Für einen Deutschen gibt es in Hollywood ohnehin nur drei Rollen: der mit dem harten Akzent, der wahnsinnige Wissenschaftler oder der Böse." (There are only three roles available for a German in Hollywood: The one with the hard accent, the mad scientist or the villain.) I laughed out loud when I read that, because it's spot on. It made me think of all the stereotypes that Hollywood are giving the western world (or, more precisely, the Americans - as we as Europeans usually are more aware of all the European clichées just as I'm sure most Americans can tell a Texan from a New Yorker).

In the Hollywood films, when you see a man with very light blond hair and blue eyes, he must be the Nazi and is probably named Fritz, Karl or Heinz. Look for further clues in possible scars. If it's a woman with light blond hair and blue eyes, she must be the Swedish maid/nanny/pole dancer named Helga, Olga or Greta (I cannot stress this enough: There are hardly anyone in Sweden below the age of 80 called any of these names). She's probably got a huge cleavage, too. And very short skirts. And an exceptionally dumb manner (this, of course, is not a stereotype; all Swedes are stupid (only joking!)). If you're a foreigner and/or have a foreign accent, you're very likely to be put in the role of villain. Unless you're very good-looking (in a Mediterranean sort of way); then you may be offered the part as The Lover. Unfortunately, The Lover barely has any lines at all (much due to The Accent, I'm afraid). If you're French...well...you've most definitely got an accent no matter how hard you try, and you can't under any circumstances play anything else than a French person (or, possibly, someone from southern Belgium or Switzerland). You'll probably have to settle for a few outrageous lines consisting of many romantic/sexy utterances, and you'll be half-naked through most of the film. You will of course be named Jean, Michel or Jean-Michel. If you're Italian, you'll be playing the mafia member or exchange student. Unless you go back in time, to the sixties and seventies, where you'd be most likely to play a cowboy or Mexican villain. Go figure. Speaking of Mexican villains; if you're Spanish or Mexican you will be playing someone who's just crossed the Rio Grande and turned nasty. (Maybe it's high time the US should think about what makes people change the minute they get into the country?) Your name will be Carlos, Felipe or, lately, Jorge (because it's so "difficult" to pronounce, I guess). If you're Russian, you've only recently been let into the country and have a splendid accent for any thrillers about the eighties. Because, as we all know, nothing interesting happened in the eighties, apart from the Cold War and the yuppies. Anyway, you will be playing a villain or someone who's a double agent. You will be required to speak some Russian at some point in the film, just to show how frightfully clever and "European-minded" the producers are. You will be called Vladimir, Boris or Nikolai (or just pick another previous leader's name you like).

Now, those are the Europeans, but as we all know, the world is slightly larger than that. I'm going to skip Africa, because Africans are seldom let into Hollywood (there have been but a few exceptions). The Asians, on the other hand, are usually playing villains. There have been quite a few wars to choose from. There's WWII, the Korean war and the Vietnam war. Lots of conflicts into which Asian actors must be put. Unless you prove to be quite agile and proficient in any martial art. The main thing is to be able to bow a lot, no matter what kind of movie you've been given. If you're Chinese or Korean, you may also be offered the role of The Chinese Laundryman (for the pre-1940 themed films) or The Chinese Dry-Cleaner (for the post-WWII themed films), but this will give you no lines and just a lot of bowing. There are other countries that belong to Asia, though (it is quite large, in fact). There's something called the Middle East. As we should have realised by now, all people living in the Middle East are to be considered armed and dangerous, according to Hollywood. Any actors escaping from that area will be thrown back in order to play...yes, you guessed it, The Terrorist. The only thing you will be required to do, is shout a lot in some language the producers (yet again) don't understand, while wearing a lot of dirty scarves and clutching a machine gun. It is a must that you have very few teeth. Your name will be any form resembling Mohammed, Ahmed or Abdul. Preferably all three.

When it comes to down-under, the Australians usually play the very laid-back, glad-to-meet-ya, good-on-you kind of friend, who's used to eating snakes and spiders for breakfast and who's got the broadest Australian accent ever. He will no doubt be called Bruce. The New Zealanders have been appearing in Hollywood films only recently, and only as hobbits, so let's hope the Americans will discover there is more to Kiwiland before they are stereotyped as hobbits.

The British are quite right, they are indeed special and should keep to themselves. You see, unless you have no education, you will probably remember the slight dispute the US had with the English a few hundred years ago. This nags them both even today, long after the rest of the world stopped caring. This has led to the creation of The Archnemesis. The Archnemesis is always someone with an Oxford accent. Possibly an American trying to resemble that accent. The Archnemesis is the most dangerous villain that Hollywood has ever seen, and is the only one that will survive through the ages and drifting political issues. He will be called whatever you like, as the English have all got sensible names, according to Hollywood.

There are very few foreigners who've made the cut in Hollywood and actually been offered parts where they're playing good, wholesome Americans with good, wholesome American names. (I'm still surprised they let Stellan Skarsgård play an American professor in Good Will Hunting!) Some have been put into action films where acting skills and foreign accents don't matter, and have been given American or even supernatural names. For some reason Arnold Schwarzenegger springs to mind (but making him a governor was a bit over the top, don't you think? Let's not mix Hollywood with real life).

All in all, if you've got the slightest hint of an accent, you're not likely going to make it into one of the "real" roles in Hollywood. For some bizarre reason, Hollywood is very picky on the accent thing; in order to play an American, you must sound American. Which is funny, because they know bugger all about any other accents and couldn't give a toss about credibility in any other aspect of the film. I think Hollywood must be very confused.

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Labels: film, humour, lists, TV