[A BANK OFFICE. TWO PEOPLE IN LINE. A WOMAN APPROACHES THE INFORMATION DESK, BEHIND WHICH A FEMALE TELLER IS STANDING]

Woman: I'd like to open a bank account, please.
Teller: I need to see some ID.
Woman: (HANDS TELLER A PASSPORT AND A COUNCIL TAX BILL) Here.
Teller: This passport is...Norwegian, yes?
Woman: Yes.
Teller: Is that in the EU?
Woman: It's part of the EEA.
(THERE IS A PAUSE WHILE THE TELLER ANNOYINGLY SLOWLY SEARCHES FOR SOMETHING ON THE WEB.)
Teller: No, we don't take that.
Woman: Yes, you do. It's on your website. You take on EEA nationals as well as EU ones.
Teller: No. It's not on my list.
Woman: Let me have a look at your list.
Teller: (RELUCTANTLY TURNS THE MONITOR) See? It says EU, and Norway isn't on that list.
Woman: No, it wouldn't be, because it's not in the EU. Scroll further down, please. A bit further. There, it says "EEA". Click on that link.
Teller: Oh, OK. Well, your passport is in order. Now I just need a utility bill as proof of address.
Woman: Ehh...yes, I gave you that.
Teller: OK. (INCREASINGLY SNOTTY) You need to have lived there for three months.
Woman: And I have. Since June.
Teller: No, you need three months.
Woman: (COUNTS ON HER FINGERS) June, July, August. It's the end of September now.
Teller: No, the system won't take it. It must be three months.
Woman: (PAUSES TO COMPOSE HERSELF) June. July. August. That's three whole months that I've been living there, nearly four.
Teller: It doesn't count June.
Woman: Why not?
Teller: I don't know. You'll have to come back in a few days.
Woman: Look, it's very easy. June, July, August, that's three months that I've been living here. Have a look at my council tax bill.
Teller: It won't work. It doesn't count June.
Woman: What kind of a system do you have?
Teller: I don't know. But I can show you.

(THE TWO OF THEM ENTER ANOTHER OFFICE AND SIT DOWN. THE TELLER, STILL VERY SLOWLY, ENTERS SOMETHING INTO THE COMPUTER SYSTEM. AFTER WHAT SEEMS LIKE AN ETERNITY AND A HALF, THE TELLER ASKS FOR THE WOMAN'S ADDRESS, EVEN THOUGH IT IS PRINTED ON TWO SHEETS OF PAPER IN FRONT OF HER. THE WOMAN POINTS AT THE COUNCIL TAX BILL.)

Teller: It's not in the system.
Woman: Right. There is a problem with the postcode. The last letter is wrong. I live in a tall building where the first 75 flats belong to one postcode and the rest belong to another. This is the postal system's fault, and the council apparently doesn't know this.
Teller: I can't use that address. We won't know if your card will reach you.
Woman: It will. It's still the same building. The postman knows this.
Teller: (SIGHS) Well...I suppose I'll have to enter your address manually.
Woman: (MUMBLES) Oh, dear, what rotten luck.

(AFTER A FEW MORE MINUTES THE TELLER TRIUMPHANTLY TURNS THE MONITOR AND POINTS AT THE SREEN)

Teller: See? It won't take June.
Woman: I never doubted you. I'd just like to know what kind of a system you're using.
Teller: Well, I don't know. You'll have to come back later. We'll have to make a new profile of you, though.
Woman: Why can't you just amend the details in the one you just made?
Teller: I don't know, that's just the way it is. It will ask you for proof of previous address the next time.
Woman: (GETS UP FROM HER SEAT AND STARTS PACKING HER BAG) This is ridiculous. I just can't win in this country, can I?
Teller: (GRINS IN AN IDIOT SORT OF WAY)
Woman: I've been a loyal customer in my old bank for 25 years, but over here I can't even open an account. Well... (STRETCHES OUT HER HAND FOR THE TELLER TO SHAKE) ...it's not your fault, it's just the system.
Teller: (SURPRISED. PLACES HER HAND IN THE WOMAN'S LIKE A DAMP CLOTH AND PRETENDS TO SHAKE IT ABOUT A BIT)
Woman: I'll be back on Monday. Thanks for all your help. (EXITS RIGHT)

Current track: Kool & The Gang - Get Down on it

Labels: humour, personal

Am I the only one thinking Cherie Blair looks a lot like "child prodigy" James Harries?



Current track: Nothing.

Labels: humour, time wasting

A sitting room. Two girls are chatting away, each on their own sofa.

Girl 1: I'm going to marry Dale Winton.
Girl 2: Uhmm...he's gay.
G1: So?
G2: Last week you said you were going to marry Julian Clary.
G1: Yes, I did. And I am.
G2: I don't think they'll be very interested.
G1: Look, I'll marry them and then they'll keep each other company after dark.
G2: What if they don't like each other?
G1: Not my problem. (SIPS HER DRINK) They'll be thrilled just to be with me, who cares about their sex life?
G2: Didn't you say you'd marry both Philip and Dennis as well?
G1: Yep.
G2: You do know, of course, that bigamy is a criminal offense?
G1: It's very simple, ok? Dale will be hosting every night, bringing the drinks around, assuring us we're doing well, saying he's on our side whatever we choose. Julian will be telling jokes and prance around in outrageous clothing, and Philip will sing for us.
G2: And Dennis?
G1: (SLIGHT PAUSE) ...is for special occasions.
G2: This had better be a good one.
G1: Well, uhmm...he'll... I guess he'll be portraying different people every night, for our amusement.
G2: So they'll all just stay in the sitting room all evening, then?
G1: Uh-huh. (NODS)
G2: Right. And you need to be married to them because...?
G1: It's better than tying them to the table.
G2: And the fact that two of them are already married and the other two are gay does not enter into it?
G1: Not one bit. They'll be ecstatic just for being around me all day. They can bring their wives if they want to. They can live in the shed.
G2: You don't have a shed.
G1: Well, then they can't come.

There is a long pause.

G2: Has anyone ever told you you're really, really weird?

Current track: Nada.

Labels: dennis storhøi, humour, julian clary, personal, philip quast, time wasting

...for they have opened an HMV branch at our local shopping centre. I noticed it today as I went to buy a phone and wireless network card. I had a minor heart attack and then sprinted the whole fifty feet into the store. Aah. Fresh air. It's not the cheapest store around (the cheapest are online) but it's a good place to start if you just want to browse.

Our borough is among the lousiest in London when it comes to recycling. No wonder. When we tried to get anything useful out of our lettings agency and among other things asked them if there were any recycling skips etc. around, their answer was "nah, I shouldn't think so". WHAT??? Mind you, I come from a utopian country, apparently Norway and have been used to extensive recycling possibilities for about fifteen years. It hurts to throw away bottles (they don't have any return facilities here when it comes to plastic bottles, and I've been used to Tomra since before birth) and especially paper, when I know how incredibly stupid it is. Our waste disposal has quadrupled since we moved here and we both feel very ashamed. But there really is no recycling centre or even a bottle bank around here. Where I lived in Oslo there were six paper recycling skips and three bottle banks on my way to wok, which was a twenty-minute-walk away. I've said it before and somehow I don't think it'll be the last time: This place is an awfully backward one.

Still, they do make amazing TV. Personal favourite Rik Mayall is back on the screen next week and I can hardly contain myself. Rik in a fairly straight role - genius. That's how I first became a fan of his, you see. Fancy that; of all the things he's done I had to find a drama in order to be a fan of his. I had already been in love with Bottom for quite a while, but it was Remember Me? that did it for me. I'm also head over heels in love with Waking the Dead these days and am watching telly all day (well, it's on, anyway) just in case there's another trail for the programme. I will get over it (a few weeks after the last episode, I reckon) but right now I have nothing better to do. Speaking of which - we are planning on going downtown tomorrow; see a film (Asylum, please) and then go to a bar we were told about by one of the people from the AmDram group. Will tell you more about it tomorrow.

Right now I'm counting down to Wossy being back on the screen - I believe Catherine Tate will be there tonight and she has a really wicked sense of humour. Last week Gerard Depardieu went slightly overboard when he swore at the Beeb and lit a fag, but he's French, after all...

And yes, a little bird told me about Dennis being interviewed in Dagbladet this week, just in case you were wondering. I try to keep myself updated.

Current track: The BBC News theme. Hmm...

Labels: comedy, dennis storhøi, film, personal, rik mayall, trevor eve, TV

Hehe, I don't usually watch The Bill, in fact I cannot remember ever having watched that programme, but tonight I just had to, since they went live (celebrating ITV's 50th birthday). We were mostly watching to witness any mistakes, because we are cruel. They were quite good and the event went quite well...except for a couple of very silly mistakes. It was kind of like if they had to screw up, they had to go all the way. When someone is shot, there usually is instant blood protrusion, not a strange popping sound and a vessel bursting a few seconds later. We laughed so hard we almost burst a few vessels ourselves. There were a few minor mix-ups, like the mic boom turning up in awkward places and a few cameras shaking, but the cues could have been better. Perhaps it was a bit too obvious for us, but our suggestion would be to have the actors start walking a bit before the upcoming cue, maybe just chatting about unimportant stuff, instead of waiting for their cue before starting to walk. This happened so many times it was becoming annoying by the end. Anyway, the major stunts went well (I think...), and that was their main concern, so well done everyone on the set, let's hope they had a great party afterwards!

In other news, Kate Moss says she's sorry. What an arse (and I don't mean in a physical sense)!

And the Swedish meatballs they sell at my local supermarket really are Swedish meatballs and should hereby consider themselves to be recommended by at least one Norwegian.

Current track: I'm currently listening to the freight trains going past my window.

Labels: food, TV

...and it feels good! Means I've actually done something useful for a change. We went to help out at the local AmDram group on Saturday and I was tired afterwards. Strange, since we hadn't been doing that much, but still...an honest day's work and all that.

Paul O'Grady (love him) was slagging Norway on his show on Friday, but when Ant and Dec tried and seemed to enjoy eating "farikal" and drinking "glogg" and even did some hallingkast on live telly, I didn't feel the least bit miffed. Paul had worked in some club or other, presumably in the north of Norway, since he was talking about the bloody sun which was up all night and you don't get that beneath the Arctic circle. They were all back on live telly tonight (uhmm...Sunday night, as I see the clock has struck midnight three quarters of an hour ago); Paul as hilarious as ever and the two Geordie lads in awe of their plaque on the brand new Avenue of the Stars, which inauguration was celebrated on that very ITV show. We thought it was fun to see the fireworks simultaneously on telly and from our sitting room.

And then...drum roll, please...the new episode of Waking the Dead! Yay! I have been looking forward to that for weeks now, and this last week I've been mostly going around in a bit of a daze because of my anticipation for the new series. I was not disappointed, of course. What a brilliant drama that is. I am so amazed. And I simply love all the scenes with just Sue Johnston and Trevor Eve in them because they seem to have this great chemistry between them and it's just thrilling to watch. When I read they were mostly improvising the lines in those scenes I almost knelt and started worshipping their Radio Times photo. Almost. Because, contrary to popular belief, I am not entirely mad.

Lots of joy to the world also because we discovered a "new" chicken wings take-away yesterday; it is both closer and better than our usual one, so we quite swiftly swapped "regulars". It's a shame we don't go up to Leytonstone more often, because it's certainly livelier there and there are lots more local shops of all kinds. And Wossy grew up there, so what more can you want?

Current track: I have this weird conga tune spinning around in my head.

Labels: Norway, personal, theatre, trevor eve, TV

That's "the Phillip with TWO L's", not Philip "I know how to sing your brains out" Quast, frequently mentioned on this blog (gee, I wonder why...). No, Fern and Phillip are the presenters of This Morning on ITV. Since I am currently...uhmm...self-employed (full-time jobseeker, not living off the state), I usually turn on the telly when I've woken up and "washed me bits" (that's such a disgusting expression, but when the rather high-up-on-the-eww-scale Peter Thompson off BBC3's The Week the Women Went said it, we rolled around laughing and eww-ing as if it were a contest between us). This Morning tends to appear shortly afterwards, and I just love those two. They're often mentioned in all the blunder programmes because they both like to laugh a lot and have a rather cheeky sense of humour. Turns out you don't have to watch any blunder show just to see them stray from the script, because they do this every day and always end up laughing. The chemistry between them is such a great one and when Fern starts laughing, it doesn't take long before Phillip starts and then we're all off.

I just wanted to mention that, before going back to my extremely busy schedule (continuing watching "This Morning", then having breakfast while watching Watching the Dead and probably ending up playing The Sims 2, since I received the new expansion pack, Nightlife, in the post yesterday (not by DHL, mind).

Current track: Nothing.

Labels: gaming, philip quast, trevor eve, TV

Finally, after five days without the 'Net, I'm back for a short visit. Hopefully by this time next week my internet connection will be permanent once again, after almost four months without. Yes, that has been very scary.

On Saturday there was heavy rainfall outside as well as indoors - we were lucky compared to our next-door and upstairs neighbours, whose flats were flooded. Some of it came into our flat as well, but we only needed about ten towels and a bucket and by then the rain had stopped. Who knows what our place would have looked like if we hadn't been at home, though. I think I realise now why the wacky Brits put their electrical sockets halfway up the wall.

It didn't destroy my glee as the fourth series of Spooks started on Monday, though, and in only three days the fifth series of Waking the Dead begins. I am warming up by watching the first series on DVD. Quote from the Radio Times: "Det Supt Boyd (Trevor Eve) and his fantastic beard tackle another gory case". I almost laughed my head off. RT's editor Alison Graham obviously is very fascinated by his beard, not that I blame her.

Anyway. We got our "sorry asses" (thought I should use that expression, since Prince Harry did the very same today, in his first formal interview) off the couch/sofa/settee (all depending on to which class you think you belong) and became involved with a local AmDram group yesterday; my flatmate wants to be on stage all the time while I would like to be as far away from the limelight as humanly possible. Did I hear you shout "set design"? Thought so.

My imported DVD of Evilenko came from Italy via City Airport the other day and was delivered through DHL. Now, that is sad. Made me an even bigger fan of Marton Csokas's, though, which is a good thing (I think).

And finally, as I was looking for facts to support my theory that there are in fact countries out there that don't have any national debt (I protested loudly to this utterance by some previous financial something or other for the British government (it's a bit sad, really, that I didn't catch his name, as that would have made this story much better), as we were watching How to Start Your Own Country (Danny Wallace (or "King Danny", if you're a citizen of Lovely) has to be one of the best new presenters out there, I'm sure - he's so good at what he does that he seems invincible)) - I found this little article from the Telegraph back in 2004 (which would be "last year"). It's about Norway and its relations to the EU. As a firm believer in the EU as well as a fervent pro-EU campaigner back in 1994 (what the hell was I thinking) - even though I wasn't old enough to actually vote - I found this article to be highly interesting (if not just a wee bit too one-sided, but then again hardly any journalism is non-biased these days). A patriot like me wallows in a report like this, but it may also seem like we're awfully selfish. My point of view is that being outside of the EU makes our nation better, our economy flourishes and that way we can contribute much more to the common good of the world than if we were a member. Knowing my luck, this time we'll probably become a member.

I totally forgot about the Norwegian election on Monday, as this country strangely enough was much more interested in the fresh win over the Aussies in the last test of the Ashes; and you're right, I have no idea about cricket. As they were talking about the standing at lunch (I have recently learnt that a cricket match often has two breaks: Lunch and tea. Oh my.) the guy on the news said that the score was 193-5 or something, which meant that things could go either way. In any other sport this would have been a remarkable score, but those cricket maniacs have to show off with their public school code, don't they? I decided I should just wait for the final score and take it from there. Nevertheless, during the weekend I was reminded of the general election back in the old country, and was rather happy about the result. At least the dangerous parties didn't win enough seats to make a majority coalition, which is very good news indeed. Those so-called Christian Democrats and Progress Party (i.e. VERY right wing) people scare me, quite frankly, with all that hate and exclusion they preach. What I find to be ridiculous is how they fail to see that their two agendas can be made into one quite easily. The Christian Democrats don't want to be associated with the rather racist Progress Party, and yet they believe more or less the same things. At least the Progress Party isn't that hypocritical.

Now to some good news. For those of you who actually read the comments on this blog, you may have read Aug's comments about Death of a Salesman (the Oslo version). I finally got to read the reviews today and just as I thought, they seem to think that Dennis Storhøi is too young for the part. I thought the same thing when I heard about it, but then again I'm not a director and should probably keep my mouth shut (even though I don't). Still, good reviews all around...and we do read and heed the reviews when they're on our side, don't we? Ahem. Anyone going to see the play (uhmm...Aug?) had better send my regards to the cast as well as my regrets for not being able to give them most of my money this year, haha! But I'm stuck here for a while, and today I read that Philip Quast will be extending his stay down under until next year. That's just my luck, isn't it.

At least our building may have been on telly last night. That's something, I guess. I'm off to have my usual fish and chips and watch 49Up and all the other quality Thursday viewing. I'm even going to watch The Bill next week, simply because it's going out live.

Current track: Well, I seem to have "Yes Sir, I Can Boogie" on my mind.

Labels: comedy, dennis storhøi, film, marton csokas, nicola walker, Norway, personal, peter firth, philip quast, Spooks, sport, theatre, trevor eve, TV

Yeah. Nothing some basil, oregano and garlic couldn't fix. And I'll "buy it again".

Current track: Nothing.

Labels: humour

Haha, no, I haven't gone mad all of a sudden. I was just sitting here thinking about tonight's episode of House, starring Hugh Laurie, who emulates an American accent in the most brilliant way and who's been voted one of telly's sexiest men. If you haven't seen the series, you should. I really want Dr. House to be my GP, basically because he's so hopelessly blunt with people, and he has the most wicked sense of humour.

And then I found myself visiting "Mr. Storhoi's" website (part of my daily ritual, together with this page, EZBoard, VG Nett (tabloid news from home), IMDb (because there's always a film or actor I have to look up) and the Philip Quast message board) and realised today (or tomorrow, all depending on how you look at it) is the opening night of Death of a Salesman in Oslo, and I am almost as nervous as I would have been if I were part of it. But I'm not, which annoys me but doesn't surprise me. Here's to good reviews (which means Mona Levin should back off, as her reviews are very crudely written - and yes, she's one of the few individuals whose work I don't mind slagging online) and many happy performances for the cast, crew and audience.

Am I going a bit too far when I order a DVD from an Italian site when I don't know any Italian and end up paying about as much as the DVD is worth just in postage? The interesting bit was that I understood much more Italian than I first thought...although finding United Kingdom on their list of countries was a bit of a drag, haha! The sad part is that the film I bought is supposed to be rather dull. Perhaps I need a hobby.

Ooh, and for some reason I have started watching Arrested Development. I thought it was "just another one of those American sitcoms", but it isn't. This one is actually hilarious (according to myself), and even though I skipped the whole first series I got into the story very quickly.

Now, how to survive the return of both Waking the Dead and Spooks within the scope of a few weeks? I may have a seizure of some sort. Or, I could just find myself a new hobby and realise that the telly is not my friend.

Current track: I think I have "Suddenly I See" with KT Tunstall on my mind right now.

Labels: comedy, dennis storhøi, nicola walker, online shopping, peter firth, philip quast, Spooks, theatre, trevor eve, TV

I really should go to bed earlier. I have taken to watch the late-night music video channels, when they're signed for the hard of hearing. I honestly didn't know they did that and found it fascinating watching a grown-up woman, who dressed a bit like a school teacher, signing the rap lyrics of 50 Cent. I see there's a whole new world to be explored.

Current track: Possibly some Daniel Bedingfield song.

Labels: TV

The problem with being a fan of someone who tends to play the villain or any other expendable character is that they usually die during the first half of the film. No matter what, they will die in the most horrific and/or tragic way. I am looking forward to both The Great Raid and Aeon Flux these next few months - and yes, there's a connection there. Seems like Asylum could be the exception to the rule, but I'm not sure yet.

We went to see The 40-year-old Virgin today, after another dreadful visit at the local Barclays branch. The film was just like we had anticipated: Funny in many places, embarrassing at times, and then a bit slow in between. All in all enjoyable and right out laughing-out-loud several times, but I wouldn't flesh out more than five quid to go see it, so if your nearest cinema is the Odeon, or if you live in Norway, wait for the DVD rentals to come out, or even better, wait until your local TV station shows the film.

Am I the only one sensing a slight musical link between Texas's new single, Getaway with one of the songs off Briskeby's debut album (can't remember which one)? It feels like I've heard parts of it before. Oh, who cares.

Also, I would like to know who came up with the idea of calling a shade of grey monkey. Monkey is by far my favourite word these days, since we saw an episode of Hornblower where this animal was referred to - I had seen the episode before but never thought it to be funny at that time, who knows why.

Current track: U2's newest single, I believe, on The Hits (TV)

Labels: film, marton csokas, music, TV

This blog has got its original layout back.

I am currently managing the Scottish second division team Greenock Morton in Football Manager 2005 (the proper sequel to the Championship Manager series...confused? Don't be.), but I still find it to have been a dismal effort by the Norwegian side today when losing 2-1 against Scotland at home. I mean, really. Poo.

Current track: Still listening to the news.

Labels: gaming, Norway, sport

Which OS are You?

Current track: Nothing, since I'm listening to the news.

Labels: tests

I went to Norway today for a short while, about ten minutes or so. We visited the Royal Norwegian Embassy (opposite the Spanish one and next to the Dutch one) in order to vote fo the upcoming parliamentary election. Great fun. They even had a Norwegian-made lock on the door. Anyway, we weren't quite sure whether we should speak Norwegian or English to the receptionist...until we saw him and thought Norwegian was a safe bet. Only joking, he was speaking to us first (probably assuming, from our looks, that we would understand Norwegian fairly well). The whole thing took a remarkably short amount of time and suddenly we were out of there.

We then went all the way from Hyde Park Corner to Leicester Square so that we could find out when the premiere of Pride and Prejudice (the film version, which I haven't seen but which will be considered by me as the lesser version) would start. Then my flatmate went slightly amok among the DVD shelves in two of the most typical tourist shops in London (HMV and Virgin Megastore, Piccadilly) and I saved some money on not buying the ones she had already picked out.

Feeling a bit peckish, we took to looking for some place to eat and naturally couldn't be bothered to venture far away from the Odeon, which was where tonight's premiere was to take place. One delightful meal later, we sauntered down to the Odeon and strangely enough found a superb lookout point. Being hung up on Spooks we naturally wanted to catch a glimpse of Matthew Macfadyen and Keeley Hawes, but we saw some others as well (including a couple of female actors we never really understood who were). My favourite (and typical) moment was when the crowd had noticed Donald Sutherland getting out of a car down the road. My flatmate saw him, but I was standing behind an almost punch-drunk guy and couldn't see much in that direction, so had to wait. Then Brenda Blethyn appeared and Keira Knightley had been hijacked by the MTV crew for about ten minutes already, so I paid attention to them, all the while looking down the road to see Mr. Sutherland. It wasn't until my flatmate said "I'll just hide behind my camera so that it doesn't look so daft standing in the front row without an autograph pad" that I saw him standing there right in front of me - I had actually been trying to look behind him for about a minute. Sometimes I'm just too blind. Anyway, it was a nice celeb-spotting event and the (lesser) popularity of the film led us to not having to wait for three hours in order to get a good place to stand and we were in and out withing 30 minutes. Brilliant!

Then we went home to watch Marian, Again (which was above average), Graham Norton's show and The Grudge, which wasn't quite The Ring (not that we expected it to be) but nevertheless was a bit thrilling from time to time. Well worth the five pounds my flatmate paid for it, haha!

Both Bulldog Broadband and Barclay's made my shitlist this week, but I'm the stupidest of them all since I still want to be a customer of theirs. I have come to realise how silly it is for Norwegian to be bringing the English word "service" into our vocabulary. There is nothing remotely typical English about "service" at all. The kind of customer service we have seen here so far (and believe me, we have been brought up to behave in a very polite manner) is complete crap. I was a patriot before I moved here, but now I have also started to lose my Norwegian built-in feeling of inferiority. From now on, when British people make fun of anything Nordic and/or Dutch, I will sit there thinking they are the ignorant ones. The Nordic countries as well as the Netherlands are years ahead of this country when it comes to efficiency, technology and customer service, believe me. Many of the systems they use here are relics from the Stone Age, I'm sure. It would have been embarrassing, if not for the fact that I'm not British and don't intend to be (unless they start allowing dual citizenships). Relax, I'm still an anglophile. I'm a daft cow, I know.

Current track: The sweet humming sound of my computer's processor...or the two flies I have in my room.

Labels: film, name-dropping, Norway, personal, TV